i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
