I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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