Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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