Don't make out with my wife yet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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