He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
