I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
