Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
