Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
