The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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