I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
