Umm I'm too high to move.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
