just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
