I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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