I faked an abortion last night.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
