I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
