sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
