I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
