96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
