Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
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