My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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