all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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