I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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