My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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