Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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