Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He felt like a one man threesome
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
