you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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