God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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