I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So squirting runs in the family.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
