I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
