he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
