I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
