After last night, I could never be a politician.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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