I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
ok first of all what the fuck
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
