I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
