I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
