I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
