i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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