Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
