My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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