We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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