Your dad touched me again.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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