Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
