I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
