You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
