Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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