Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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