Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
