There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
