After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
