things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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